Still an odd duck

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 62% Schizoid |||||| 26% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 66% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 54% Borderline |||||| 26% Histrionic |||||||||||| 42% Narcissistic |||||| 26% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 54% Dependent |||||||||||| 50% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 62%

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Chaotic Good Human Ranger Cleric

I Am A: Chaotic Good Human Ranger/Cleric (2nd/1st Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength-17
Dexterity-18
Constitution-19
Intelligence-20
Wisdom-16
Charisma-17

Alignment:
Chaotic Good A chaotic good character acts as his conscience directs him with little regard for what others expect of him. He makes his own way, but he's kind and benevolent. He believes in goodness and right but has little use for laws and regulations. He hates it when people try to intimidate others and tell them what to do. He follows his own moral compass, which, although good, may not agree with that of society. Chaotic good is the best alignment you can be because it combines a good heart with a free spirit. However, chaotic good can be a dangerous alignment when it disrupts the order of society and punishes those who do well for themselves.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Primary Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Secondary Class:
Clerics act as intermediaries between the earthly and the divine (or infernal) worlds. A good cleric helps those in need, while an evil cleric seeks to spread his patron's vision of evil across the world. All clerics can heal wounds and bring people back from the brink of death, and powerful clerics can even raise the dead. Likewise, all clerics have authority over undead creatures, and they can turn away or even destroy these creatures. Clerics are trained in the use of simple weapons, and can use all forms of armor and shields without penalty, since armor does not interfere with the casting of divine spells. In addition to his normal complement of spells, every cleric chooses to focus on two of his deity's domains. These domains grants the cleric special powers, and give him access to spells that he might otherwise never learn. A cleric's Wisdom score should be high, since this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

LJ Essay

Just because I see certain people being happy doesn't mean they don't necessarily understand what I go through. I've been happy since losing xir. Incredibly happy. I've probably even looked normal since then. Well, my old normal, I mean. Because I see delight doesn't mean there can't be suffering or empathy. I wish... for empathy.

I want... to know it wasn't just me that was hurt by this issue. I wish that I could be loved by.....

But it's impossible. irritation... emotional divorcement... I've lost xir.

I hate that xe's... not... my... friend.

Did I......... act like a stalker? What if xe... thinks I was obsessed with xir...

I hate the very thought of it.

I was 14-16, and even though I had techniques for empathy that no one else had ever thought of, I wasn't able to realize and adapt to the difference between us both. I wasn't able to teach you to almost read my mind, nor was I able to teach myself to almost read yours. I could predict your expressions. That. Was. It. I knew you well enough to figure out that there wasn't much difference between your expressions, and I took a lot of short cuts because the relationship we had didn't support any other way.

You weren't as intensely bonded to me as the others. If we had been, our relationship would have been more like theirs. I would have known what you were feeling, and would have been able to manipulate that so that you would have associated me with loads of amounts of positive emotions. That was what made previous and subsequent relationships so powerful. Not that I've really been able to manipulate the more recent friendships closer to me, but they still associated me with powerful positive emotions. I wish that had been true of us!

I know now that if we had been bonded that intensely, I would have trusted you at least enough to tell you what the matter was. If I had done that, the outcome would have been much different. I might not have needed to tell Pastor F to get banned from being near you. The other alternative is that you would have helped me defend you, and our bond would have been strengthened. The latter I would guess to be the more likely, if you had had a more normal strength of relationship with me. I always wanted to believe in you, that you wouldn't let me down... I honestly don't know, now. I believe you're still human, and I'm not disgusted with you, so theoretically, somewhere down deep in me, I still hope. It's a foolish, dumb, really, really stupid hope to believe that our relationship could be healed. However, resurrection is about a thousand times more awesome than just plain old healings. I believe this, even though it's an incredibly, incredibly hard belief. I want to believe that God plans to make our relationship anew, and this is a powerful belief, because relationships are almost like living beings to me. I believe our old relationship is dead and buried. I also believe that our relationship will gain resurrection.

I wish you'd known the depth of love I'd felt to you. I wish you had known joy based on how well I wanted to comprehend you and make you happy. I realise that my degree of intimacy with my friends is troubling to a lot of people, and I understand that completely. Devotion to your friends to the point of self-harm if you feel you're a danger to them can be easily called scary, even, or perhaps especially, by the one who've been there.

I was a danger to you, former friend, and I can't deny that. I had read things that weren't fit to be read, by anyone, and I was tempted in ways that were beyond fearful. They tore my identity to smithereens. Beyond fear, one feels one cannot move, and one should not try to do anything because something bad may happen. I call it the null emotion, as it is an emotion that isn't really an emotion.

I really, really loved you, and would have hated even the slightest idea of doing anything that would hurt you. The only reason I make an exception is what happened inside me that September was far worse than slight. I wish I had been a better friend to you, and I'm sorry I wasn't! I wish that I had been a better friend. You know, what you said really was true, L. It does help to get things off your chest, especially when they're as heavy as all this. I still miss you.

Unity and Empathy

"if the advocacy of self advocates is going to ignore those persons with disabilities that do not allow for self-advocacy or independent living..." It is not.

What Rob Rummel-Hudson has said in the above is not the case. Self advocates DO care for those not as well off. However, I daresay it's hypocritical to say a person like Zoe's privileged when he is a lot more privileged than her. And maybe Zoe is privileged compared to Rob's little girl who doesn't speak or blog. But... WE do not know what measure of difficulty ZOE faces  from day today. And Rob is Neurotypical, presumably. This is like a person who lives in a nice, solid house un-favourably comparing a person who lives in a tent or trailer .. in Oklahoma .. to a person who sleeps in the gutter, all the while speaking the language of privilege. This is like a caucasian making a similar comparison of a light-skinned non caucasian person to a darker skinned non caucasian person. Saying that one is privileged compared to the other. Hello? You still drive the working vehicle to your paying job! There is a veil throughout society separating people biased against other people, especially in the realm of disabilities.

WE NEED UNITY! WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE NEEDS TO BE NO VEIL! THE MOST IMPORTANT OF VEILS HAS ALREADY BEEN WRENCHED IN TWO!

Disabled advocates understand about more disabled folks who can't self advocate. Parents of disabled kids know that disabled adults have things worth hearing. The only thing that should bar us from listening to another... are, well, things that are intended to be nought but upsetting. John Best Jr. level of upsetting, indeed. We all have this habit of assuming what the other person intended to say. That is one of the roots of the communication divide. ASK about their intent before schoolin' 'em. They may not've intended it quite that way. Make sure you assume the best before you assume the worst. Remember, everyone's different. It is VERY RARE to know what a person actually intended, and actually thought as they speak. Suffice it to say, you need to be almost exactly like a person, and have an incredible degree of empathy. So we need to ask. Don't presume to know the mental state behind the response.

WE NEED TO LISTEN TO EACH OTHER. Forgiveness and empathy are key. If you're nice to a person, they usually feel horribly guilty for not giving you what you need. Everyone is unique. Even the almost-mind reading closeness that's existed between me and my friends isn't perfect. Ask about the intents. Try to assume the best. I know how hard and wrenching betrayal feels, and how easy it is to jump to the wrong conclusion. But the optimist in a person doesn't necessarily stay dead forever.

We need empathy. As long as we can agree that the worst of us-- the murderers, the torturers, those that agree with them, and those who make bad futures with their words-- are doing bad things, we should try to understand each other. Maybe Neurotypicals do need to learn how to better take perspective. The thing is to not let these bad moments wreck whatever tiny, fragile, baby-like relationship we have, and also to not jerk our knees so quickly or strongly whenever we're offended. Offence breeds nought but more offence.

On the Definition of Autism

It's not the fault of the Autistic that Neurotypicals don't understand them. Neurotypical empathy is DEFINITELY not the be all end all of empathy. Not all Autistics ARE locked in their own world. Lots of Autistics are placed in a box by lots of people who only see /they're different from me. I can't understand them./ That's the truth of it. IF neurotypical empathy was as good as neurotypicals seem to think it is, they'd be able to empathise with everybody, Autistic and otherwise.

Autistics and autism are NOT bad. They are part of humanity, of the human condition. It's an alternate way of seeing the world and communicating with what all you come across. Neurotypicals do not empathise with it, and if they did, the logic of calling it Autism would disappear. If Autism comes from a word that means 'alone' and Autistics were empathised with, they would not match the original meaning, for they would not be alone. The accuracy of calling it Autism, of even calling it more disabling than normal would disappear. Because if Autistics were all empathised with, they could be taught better. That would change everything.

Maybe you're not seeing something about your previous autism. It's not that wretched from my angle. But, nobody knows everything, and it's even really hard to know everything about a given region of thought or knowledge. But, seriously, look outside the box. It's really no one's fault, and Autism (or Neurotypicality and all the other brain differences) isn't really all that bad.

Humanity has it's flaws, weaknesses, and short comings, like all other blemishes in this imperfect world. But there is Hope, in the realm of Autism, and all humanity, with belief. And that is truth.

Aviyah's Mary Sue Test Results

Aviyah is only a little like you. She is not at all cool; in fact, she thinks cool is a temperature reading, and when she says "Oh, I just put on whatever old thing's lying around," she means "on the floor, where I threw it last night - but I turned the underwear inside out first." She may have sometimes thought that she was special, or destined for greater things, but probably dismissed the idea as a fantasy. She's come in for her share of hurt, but gotten off with minor damage. And you've been sparing with the free handouts: whatever she gains, she's worked for. 


In general, you care deeply about Aviyah, but you're smart enough to let her stand on her own, without burdening her with your personal fantasies or propping her up with idealization and over-dramatization. Aviyah is a healthy character with a promising career ahead of her. 

Score Breakdown
I Love Her, I Let Her Go 7
She's The Anti-Cool 3
I'm Destined For What? 6
Can't Complain 6
Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child 6
Total: 28 

In Memoriam Katie

Rest in peace, Katie McCarron.


Died
May 13, 2006


She was a happy and loving child, who, while special needs, had a life worth living. I celebrate this life.