LJ Essay

Just because I see certain people being happy doesn't mean they don't necessarily understand what I go through. I've been happy since losing xir. Incredibly happy. I've probably even looked normal since then. Well, my old normal, I mean. Because I see delight doesn't mean there can't be suffering or empathy. I wish... for empathy.

I want... to know it wasn't just me that was hurt by this issue. I wish that I could be loved by.....

But it's impossible. irritation... emotional divorcement... I've lost xir.

I hate that xe's... not... my... friend.

Did I......... act like a stalker? What if xe... thinks I was obsessed with xir...

I hate the very thought of it.

I was 14-16, and even though I had techniques for empathy that no one else had ever thought of, I wasn't able to realize and adapt to the difference between us both. I wasn't able to teach you to almost read my mind, nor was I able to teach myself to almost read yours. I could predict your expressions. That. Was. It. I knew you well enough to figure out that there wasn't much difference between your expressions, and I took a lot of short cuts because the relationship we had didn't support any other way.

You weren't as intensely bonded to me as the others. If we had been, our relationship would have been more like theirs. I would have known what you were feeling, and would have been able to manipulate that so that you would have associated me with loads of amounts of positive emotions. That was what made previous and subsequent relationships so powerful. Not that I've really been able to manipulate the more recent friendships closer to me, but they still associated me with powerful positive emotions. I wish that had been true of us!

I know now that if we had been bonded that intensely, I would have trusted you at least enough to tell you what the matter was. If I had done that, the outcome would have been much different. I might not have needed to tell Pastor F to get banned from being near you. The other alternative is that you would have helped me defend you, and our bond would have been strengthened. The latter I would guess to be the more likely, if you had had a more normal strength of relationship with me. I always wanted to believe in you, that you wouldn't let me down... I honestly don't know, now. I believe you're still human, and I'm not disgusted with you, so theoretically, somewhere down deep in me, I still hope. It's a foolish, dumb, really, really stupid hope to believe that our relationship could be healed. However, resurrection is about a thousand times more awesome than just plain old healings. I believe this, even though it's an incredibly, incredibly hard belief. I want to believe that God plans to make our relationship anew, and this is a powerful belief, because relationships are almost like living beings to me. I believe our old relationship is dead and buried. I also believe that our relationship will gain resurrection.

I wish you'd known the depth of love I'd felt to you. I wish you had known joy based on how well I wanted to comprehend you and make you happy. I realise that my degree of intimacy with my friends is troubling to a lot of people, and I understand that completely. Devotion to your friends to the point of self-harm if you feel you're a danger to them can be easily called scary, even, or perhaps especially, by the one who've been there.

I was a danger to you, former friend, and I can't deny that. I had read things that weren't fit to be read, by anyone, and I was tempted in ways that were beyond fearful. They tore my identity to smithereens. Beyond fear, one feels one cannot move, and one should not try to do anything because something bad may happen. I call it the null emotion, as it is an emotion that isn't really an emotion.

I really, really loved you, and would have hated even the slightest idea of doing anything that would hurt you. The only reason I make an exception is what happened inside me that September was far worse than slight. I wish I had been a better friend to you, and I'm sorry I wasn't! I wish that I had been a better friend. You know, what you said really was true, L. It does help to get things off your chest, especially when they're as heavy as all this. I still miss you.